R U OK? Day: how to check in on your child or teenager

Every year on the second Thursday of September, Australians are encouraged to stop and ask the people around them a simple question: are you okay? In 2026, R U OK? Day falls on Thursday 10 September. Most of the attention goes to workplaces and friendship groups, but the conversation that often matters most happens at home, with the child or teenager sitting across the kitchen table.

Many of the parents we meet describe the same quiet feeling. Something about their child seems different. They are flatter than usual, or angrier, or spending more time behind a closed door. The parent notices, and then talks themselves out of raising it. They worry about making it worse, about being intrusive, or about not knowing what to do if the answer is not a cheerful "yeah, I'm fine".

If that sounds familiar, you are in very good company. You do not need the perfect words, and you do not need to be a psychologist. You need to be willing to ask, and then to listen.

What R U OK? Day means for families

R U OK? Day grew from a straightforward idea: that staying connected and checking in on one another is something all of us can do, all year round. The day is a prompt rather than an event. Children and young people do not schedule their hard weeks around the calendar, so the real invitation is to make "are you okay?" an ordinary part of family life, well beyond one Thursday in September.

It is also a reminder that you do not have to be a health professional to support your child. What often makes the biggest difference is a young person feeling that someone noticed, cared enough to ask, and was willing to sit with them for a while without rushing to fix it. That is something a parent, a grandparent, a coach or an older sibling can offer.

Why asking is safer than staying quiet

The most common worry we hear from parents is that raising the subject might plant an idea, or make things heavier than they already are. In practice, asking a child or young person how they are going is very unlikely to introduce a worry that was not already there. More often it does the opposite. It tells them their distress is not too big for you, and that honesty is safe in your house.

You also know your child better than any script does. Parents are usually the first to notice the small changes, well before a teacher or a GP would. Trust that instinct. Noticing is where support begins.

Signs your child or teenager may not be okay

Children and teenagers rarely announce that they are struggling. It tends to show up in behaviour, in the body, or in what quietly disappears from their week. The signs below are common ones, though every child is different and any one of them on its own may mean very little.

In younger children

●      Frequent tummy aches, headaches or feeling unwell with no clear medical cause, often clustered around school mornings

●      More clinginess, or new difficulty separating at drop-off

●      Bigger or more frequent emotional outbursts than usual, or tears that seem to arrive from nowhere

●      Going backwards on things they had managed, such as sleeping alone or night-time toileting

●      Changes in play, drawing or the stories they tell

In teenagers

●      Withdrawing from family, friends or activities they used to enjoy

●      Noticeable changes in sleep or appetite, in either direction

●      Irritability, short temper or a flatness that lasts for weeks rather than days

●      Slipping schoolwork, more absences, or reluctance to talk about school at all

●      Retreating to their room or their phone far more than usual

●      Comments that sound throwaway but land oddly, such as "what's the point" or "everyone would be better off without me"

That last one deserves its own line. If your child says anything that suggests they do not want to be here, treat it seriously and seek help the same day. There is guidance on where to go at the end of this article.

The pattern matters more than any single sign. What we look for is a change from your child's normal, lasting more than a couple of weeks, and starting to affect their sleep, their friendships, their schoolwork or their day-to-day functioning.

How to start the conversation

R U OK? shares a four-step approach that many families find a useful starting point. It is worth reading the full guidance on the R U OK? website, and the steps are broadly these, with a few adjustments that tend to help with children and young people.

1. Ask. Choose a low-pressure moment rather than a formal sit-down. Side by side often works better than face to face, which is why so many honest conversations happen in the car, on a walk, while walking the dog or during a game of something. Be specific and gentle about what you have noticed: "you've seemed pretty flat since the holidays, and I've been thinking about you. How are you going, really?"

2. Listen. This is the hard part, because the parental instinct is to solve. Let them talk without interrupting, correcting or reassuring too quickly. Reflecting back what you hear does more than advice does: "that sounds really tough", or "I'm glad you told me". Silence is allowed. So is a shrug.

3. Encourage action. Ask what might help, and what has helped before. Keep the next step small and concrete, like talking to the school counsellor, seeing the GP together, or messaging a friend they have been avoiding. The aim is to support their next step, not to take it for them.

4. Check in. Come back to it in a few days. A short message or an offhand "hey, how's that thing going?" shows the conversation was not a one-off inspection. For teenagers especially, the follow-up is often when the real answer arrives.

None of this needs to be polished. A caring, slightly clumsy conversation is worth far more than a perfect one that never happens.

What to say when the answer is "no, I'm not okay"

Sometimes you ask and your child tells you the truth. That moment can be frightening for a parent, but it is exactly what you were hoping for. You do not need a solution ready.

The most useful thing you can do is stay calm and stay in the room. Big reactions, even loving ones, can teach a young person to protect you from the hard stuff next time. Let them know you are glad they told you and that you are not going anywhere.

Try to resist the urge to talk them out of how they feel. "You've got nothing to be sad about" is meant kindly and almost always lands as "don't tell me this". Open questions give them room instead: "how long has it felt like this?", "what's the worst part of the day?", or "what would help right now, even a little?"

If what you are hearing worries you, it is okay to ask directly and calmly whether they have had thoughts of hurting themselves. Asking does not put the idea there, and it gives you the information you need to get the right help.

What if they will not talk to you?

This is normal, particularly with teenagers, and it is not evidence that you have got something wrong. Adolescence involves a healthy pull away from parents, and sometimes the person they can talk to is anyone but you.

A few things tend to help. Keep the door open without knocking constantly, so they know the offer stands. Make yourself available at odd hours, because these conversations rarely happen on schedule and often start close to bedtime. Consider who else your child trusts, whether that is an aunt, a coach, a family friend or their school counsellor, and make it easy for that relationship to do its work. Supporting your child does not always mean being the one they confide in.

If they are shutting you out and you remain worried, that is reason enough to speak to a professional yourself. You do not need your child's agreement to seek advice about how to help them.

Helping your child check in on their friends

Many schools mark R U OK? Day with activities, and your child may come home talking about it. That is a good opening to have a shorter version of the same conversation about their friends.

Young people are often the first to know when a mate is struggling, and they can carry that quietly for a long time. Worth saying out loud to them: they can ask a friend if they are okay, they can listen, and they are allowed to tell a trusted adult if they are worried, even if they were asked not to. Secrets about safety are the ones we break. Making that permission explicit takes a real weight off a teenager who is holding something heavy for someone else.

Looking after yourself as a parent

Supporting a child who is struggling asks a lot of you, especially if their difficulties echo something from your own life. It is common to feel worried, exhausted, guilty or frustrated, sometimes in the same hour.

You can be a steady presence for your child without being their entire support system, and without being available at every moment. Encouraging professional help is not stepping back from your child. It usually means they get support that is better resourced than any one parent can be. Looking after your own wellbeing, including your own GP or psychologist if you need one, is part of being able to keep showing up. Our parent and caregiver support groups are another place to start, and they are often a relief simply for being among other parents in the same position.

When a conversation is not enough

Checking in matters, and for some children it is the nudge that opens things up. For others, what they are experiencing needs more than a parent can provide on their own, and that is not a failure on anyone's part.

It may be time to seek professional support if your child's distress is intense, has continued for more than a few weeks, or is affecting their sleep, their eating, their friendships, their schooling or their ability to get through an ordinary day. The same applies if they mention hopelessness or not wanting to be here.

A practical first step is your GP, who can talk through what is happening and, where appropriate, prepare a Mental Health Treatment Plan that provides Medicare rebates towards sessions with a psychologist. Your child's school counsellor is another good early point of contact, and reaching out early tends to make things easier rather than harder.

How we can help

At Sydney Children's Practice, we work only with children, adolescents and their families, which means everything we do is built around young people rather than adapted for them. Our psychologists support children and teenagers through anxiety, low mood, behavioural difficulties, sleep problems, trauma and the range of other things that can sit behind "I'm not okay". You can read more about therapy for children and adolescents or meet our psychologists.

Where a young person's difficulties may relate to how they learn or process the world, we also offer ADHD assessments, autism assessments and cognitive and educational assessments, each with a written report and practical recommendations for home and school.

We see families at our Glebe and Stanmore clinics in Sydney's Inner West, with appointments available from 7:30am to 8:00pm and telehealth for families who cannot easily attend in person. If you are worried about your child, you are welcome to get in touch with our team or submit a new client enquiry, and our reception team will talk you through what happens next.

This R U OK? Day, the goal is not to get the conversation exactly right. It is simply to have it. Ask the question, listen properly, and let your child know that whatever is going on, they are not carrying it by themselves.

Related reading

●      Supporting your teenager's mental health: what every parent needs to know

●      Understanding anxiety in children: signs, types and when to seek help

●      Helping children manage big emotions

●      Improving sleep for adolescents

This article is general information and is not a substitute for personalised professional advice. Sydney Children's Practice is not a crisis service. If you are worried about your child's immediate safety, or your own, please seek urgent help. Kids Helpline is available 24 hours a day for young people aged 5 to 25 on 1800 55 1800. You can also reach Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the NSW Mental Health Line on 1800 011 511. In an emergency, call 000.

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Bradley Bowen, MPsych (Clinical Psychology), BA (Hons I), BSc, AMusA, MAPS is a Board-registered Clinical Psychologist and Clinic Director of Sydney Children’s Practice. He has worked with children, adolescents, and families for over 25 years and has been practising as a Clinical Psychologist since 2011. Bradley has a particular interest in supporting neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD and Autism, and works using evidence-based approaches such as CBT, ACT, and Mindfulness.